Emotions
A prerequisite to bonding and optimal pleasure in sex is safety, both physical and emotional. Obviously, physical abuse or coercion has no place in healthy sexual relationships. The same goes for emotional coercion. No one should ever be obligated to have sex. In a vulnerable, intimate sexual relationship, there are no such things as:
-marital obligation, or DUTY SEX
-quid pro quos (trading something for sex)
-pressuring someone to have sex if they don’t feel like it, even if they said they would, or they felt like it earlier.
-holding someone else responsible for your happiness, stress relief, or sexual release.
-sexual quotas or number counts. Because sex is not necessary for life, or even good health, there are no urgent sexual situations. Sexual tension can even be relieved with non-sexual activities (like exercise).
The healthiest relationships are based on the assumption, or hope, that the other person is committed and loves you, and will express love of their own free will. Coercing someone to express love defeats the definition of real love, and creates resentment and anxiety. Other things that undermine the feeling of safety requisite for good sex are:
–Criticism. You don’t want to have sex with someone who criticizes you, who feels the need to tell you what you are doing wrong without your consent.
–Invalidation. You don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t show that your feelings matter to them. This doesn’t mean agreement, it just means both people care about the other’s feelings. It is possible to disagree on an issue and still feel like someone respects your perception as valid. A common example of invalidation:
“Honey, I think we need couples therapy.”
“No we don’t. YOU need therapy.”
Such an exchange will lead to poor or no sex.
–Emotional Distance. If you don’t feel that you are aware of your partner’s feelings, if it seems there are off-limit topics, or if you don’t feel connected, then sex can only bring physical pleasure at best (essentially couple masturbation), which is empty and fleeting without emotional intimacy.
-Unaddressed Couple Issues. If one or both or you are still feeling unresolved about money, or in-laws, kids, or especiallydivision of labor in the home, then sex will likely be hindered.
–Suppressed Emotions. Maybe someone made a comment that unwittingly hurt the other, and the hurt person hasn’t sought a repair. This will lead to resentment, which hurts sex.
–Outside Stressors. If someone is burdened by some current stressor in their life, or some unresolved past trauma, it could hinder their body’s ability to feel safe and relaxed in sex. Unresolved sexual traumas obviously tend to throw a huge wrench into the process.
–Body Shame. Sex requires exposure of your softest, most vulnerable parts to someone else in the hopes that they will be tender and caring, and not hurt you. If you have been given the message that your body parts are deficient in some way (from media, culture, your family, your partner), it will be difficult to share your parts with someone else without fear of judgment, even if your partner is the safest person in the world. Body Shame is not resolved through body changes, but through serious reflection, thought challenging, and trauma processing.
–Character Shame. Being ashamed of your internal character parts is analogous to being ashamed of your physical parts. If you don’t like yourself, are angry toward yourself, racked with guilt about something you’ve done, or afraid someone is going to see who you “really are” (imposter syndrome), you will have great difficulty relaxing and being yourself with someone. This can be pronounced if you feel shame about some religious violation related to sex.
There are a lot of feelings that can get in the way of good sex, but all of them can be resolved. You might be thinking, “But if people can’t have good sex without resolving their feelings, we’ll never have good sex!” I would posit that you can’t ever feel truly safe or happy without processing feelings. This isn’t just about sex, it’s about every aspect of your life. And, it’s actually possible.
Wrapping Up Part 2: Emotional Connections and Sexual Satisfaction
Sex is not just a physical act—it’s deeply emotional. In Part 2, we’ve explored how emotional intimacy, past experiences, insecurities, and communication can have a profound impact on the quality of our sexual experiences. If emotional barriers are left unaddressed, they can interfere with connection and desire. The good news is that recognizing these emotional factors can help you break free from negative patterns and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
In Part 3, we’ll dive into the power of the beliefs we hold about sex. We’ll look at how misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, and past conditioning can shape our sexual experiences—and how we can unlearn these maladaptive beliefs to create a healthier, more enjoyable sex life. Stay tuned to learn how to overcome the mental roadblocks that might be limiting your sexual satisfaction.
