Differentiation
We’ve made our way up through the brain from basic bodily functions, to survival mechanisms (emotions), to cognitive processes and beliefs, and now explore the most complex part of the sexual experience: Differentiation. Murray Bowen, David Schnarch, and other renowned psychological theorists use this term as the most important indicator of one’s mental and relational health. It’s a slippery term, with each theorist putting their own spin on it, but I’ll sum it up with this definition: the degree to which your feelings, beliefs, and actions are separate and independent from those of the people and influences around you. It implies a strong awareness and consideration of those around you, with your primary motivation being growth, rather than fear.
A highly differentiated person lives deliberately. They know what they are doing, and why they are doing it. If they are doing what they don’t want to be doing, they make a plan to change it, and follow through. They recognize where their feelings come from, and act on them mindfully. They react to their environment adaptively. They don’t react aggressively to insults and criticism because they don’t take it personally; they know who they are. They seek accomplishments for the sake of personal progress, not the validation and approval of others. They accept failures and imperfections graciously; they know and feel they are valuable even when they’re not perfect. They have no need to blame others or adopt a victim mentality. They take responsibility for themselves and accept the consequences of their own actions.
So what does this look like in a sexual context? A highly differentiated person will have internalized the following:
-My body concept is differentiated. My body shape is how it is and that’s ok. I can make changes if I want to, but not because I need to. My worth is not defined by the shape of my body, my athletic ability, my physiological functioning, or sexual potency. Culture, social media, my mom, or my partner, do not define what is “good enough” concerning my body. (Or, I get to decide what influences affect me.)
-My role in my sexual relationship is differentiated. As with my body, I get to decide what influences I ascribe to in what I deem effective, appropriate, and correct regarding my sexual relationship, and NO ONE has the right to shame me for my decisions.
-The same goes for every other aspect of life you can think of: work roles, religious interpretations, social roles, family roles, etc.
Example 1:
Partner 1: “I could really go for some tonight.”
Partner 2: “I’m sorry, Love. I’ve had a pretty awful day and don’t think I could get into it.”
P1: “Are you KIDDING me? You say that ALL THE TIME! I swear you don’t even care about me!”
P2: “These past few weeks have been really hard on me, and I haven’t been sexually available. I care about you so much and I’m sad that I can’t be physically affectionate right now.”
P1: “Bull crap! I’m done with this neglect. What am I supposed to do? If you don’t care about me, maybe I’ll just have to figure something else out…”
P2: “I really am sorry.”
Woah. Was that a low-key threat by Partner 1 to use porn or cheat or something? Partner 2 is differentiated in that their emotions are separate enough from their partner’s to assert a decision without being reactive: “I don’t feel well, so I’m not going to have sex, and that’s ok.” P2 probably recognizes that P1 is feeling triggered (perhaps from childhood abandonment issues?), and is thus making non-logical statements. Even if P1 was sincere in their comments, P2’s self-worth is resilient enough to withstand emotional threats. P2 is actually strengthening the relationship with this kind of response. Mindfully asserting needs, rather than fighting, or just giving in to emotional demands, increases P1’s chances of exploring their underlying issues, which will lead to less anxious sexual bids, which will lead to better sex.
Example 2:
P1: “Dearest, I’ve gotta be honest. I don’t think I can come tonight.”
P2: “You know, I don’t think I can either.”
P1: “But didn’t you just—”
P2: “I faked it!!!” (Starts sobbing)
P1: “I’m so glad you told me!”
P2: “Really? Cuz…I actually fake it a lot. Do you hate me?”
P1: “Of course not! I’m so sorry you’ve felt like you needed to put up a front.”
P2: “I’m just so afraid you would think less of me, or that I didn’t love you, or that you weren’t a good lover if I couldn’t climax.”
P1: “I’m not offended at all. Let’s talk about why you feel that way…”
P1 is our differentiated model. Their self-worth is not threatened by the inability to orgasm, or by P2’s revelation about faking; P1 doesn’t take it personally. P1 is vulnerable to invalidation with the revelation of not being able to come, but felt able to be vulnerable because their self-worth was resilient to potential attacks. Because there is minimal personal distress, P1 is able to effectively help P2 process their feelings, which will increase P2’s differentiation. Such an acknowledgement of how sex currently is decreases the anxiety of future encounters.
That’s a lot of info about an abstract concept. And, maybe the idea of being “highly differentiated” seems unrealistic. Don’t worry, you don’t need to grasp the idea in its whole complexity to start working on it. And, it’s something that can always improve, like your physical health. You’ll never meet a perfectly differentiated person. Wherever you are at is OK.
*It should be noted that people with roughly the same amount of differentiation end up together. If one partner increases in differentiation, chances of separation increase (as opposed to two people with low differentiation who fight all the time but can’t bear to separate). This is the great risk of committed relationships, that you must progress together or you will likely be dissatisfied.
Wrapping Up Part 4: Growth, Maturity, and Better Sex
The final piece of the puzzle is self-improvement. The more we grow as individuals, the more we bring to our relationships—sex included. In Part 4, we’ve touched on how emotional maturity, self-awareness, and personal growth can enhance sexual experiences by promoting better communication, empathy, and trust. When you bring your best self to your sexual encounters, it opens up space for deeper connection, more genuine intimacy, and greater pleasure for both you and your partner.
Sex is not just about technique; it’s about being whole, healthy, and present in the moment. By fostering a mindset of self-care, open communication, and mutual respect, you’re not only improving your sex life but creating a foundation for lasting, meaningful relationships.
