Sex. Besides money, the most cited reason for divorce and couple stress generally. Everybody is doing it, or wanting to, but most people aren’t talking about it–at least not in honest or vulnerable terms. This 4-part series of posts will discuss things we need to know and do in order to make sex what it should be: A fun, energizing, bonding, pleasurable experience untainted by resentment, obligation, boredom, ignorance, shame, or unrealistic expectations. Sex should be enjoyable. If it isn’t, maybe these posts can help.
The first post will discuss some foundational physiological information. The second will discuss common emotional issues around sex. The third will discuss maladaptive beliefs that interfere with sex. The last will discuss how self-improvement and maturity will improve sex and every other aspect of your life. This material has little erotic value, and does not describe sexual techniques or acts. It provides knowledge for self-improvement, and is useful for all individuals of appropriate age, regardless of relationship status.
Part 1: The Basics
(Use Diagram Link at end of the book)
Let’s start with bodies. Humans are sexual beings by nature. Since the beginning, humans have used sex to reproduce. Because reproduction is essential to species survival, sex comes with some strong incentives, such as intense physical pleasure (the strongest pleasure possible without drugs), and intense emotional bonding. Whether these effects arose spontaneously or through divine intervention, they exist and are important. If God exists, then God made sex. I will define “sex” as any sort of physical intimacy involving arousal, but you can define sex however you please. It is a unique experience for everyone.
The most important sexual apparatus is the BRAIN. The brain can create fantasies and sensations. It can visualize the process. It can block sensations. It can create orgasms with or without external stimulation. I would consider the first (and probably most difficult) step in creating a positive sexual experience is addressing impediments in the brain. Anxiety and depression are natural survival responses. If they are active, it makes it more difficult for the body to devote blood, neurons, and energy to making good sex. It’s just our luck that having sex isn’t as important as not dying, so sex gets short shrift when mental illness is present. If you aren’t having good sex, I would prioritize psychological mechanisms before treating other components of sex. More on this in the next posts.
The other physical components to consider are sexual organs and erogenous parts. You might want to practice saying them out loud until you feel comfortable with them:
-Vagina
-Clitoris
-Labia
-Vulva
-Skene’s Gland/G-Spot
-Penis
-Testicles, scrotum
-Nipples, Breasts
-Perineum
-Anus
-Tongue, Lips, Teeth
-Any other sensitive body part that feels good when touched a certain way.
Do you know where the relevant parts are on yourself and your partner? This may seem silly to ask, but I’ve known too many men who could not identify any female sexual anatomy beyond the vagina, and too many women who have never looked at their own sexual parts. You really should know what your own parts look like. Do you know what feels good to you? Do you know what doesn’t feel good? Explore, either alone or with your partner, what sensations actually feel good to you. What you feel is what you feel, and it’s ok if some things are pleasurable to you that aren’t pleasurable for others, and vice-versa.
Do you know what an orgasm is? Do you know what yours feels like? Do you know how to reach an orgasm? What is the orgasm ratio between you and your partner, and how do you feel about it? It’s a common saying that, if you’re not sure if you’ve had an orgasm, you probably haven’t had one. I think this is generally true. For those who don’t know, the Google definition is: “a climax of sexual excitement, characterized by feelings of pleasure centered in the genitals and (in men) experienced as an accompaniment to ejaculation.” FYI, women can also ejaculate during sex. I might add: the orgasm is a surge of electrical activity, usually stemming from the genitals and flowing upward, resulting in muscle contractions. But orgasms can actually be reached through other means (some people can get one just by meditating, but stimulation of the oral, nipple, anal, and other areas have been observed to generate orgasms). This graph roughly demonstrates the change in arousal around an orgasm.
You build in arousal until you reach a point where the arousal experiences a sharp jump, resulting in high bodily tension, then relaxing in a wave of endorphins. Women can have multiple orgasms in a short period of time. Men are rarely able to have more than two orgasms within the same hour, and many are unable to do even that.
And how do you build arousal to the point of orgasm? At a physiological level, it will likely take some combination of stimulation of various parts of the body. I won’t be discussing sexual methods here. You can look up specific techniques or make up your own. There are no silver bullets for sexual greatness, you’ll have to find what works for you. But I will offer:
-Contrary to popular belief or what is seen in pornography, the vast majority of women do not regularly orgasm during intercourse, and the small portion who can rarely do without other kinds of stimulation. Direct stimulation of the clitoris (manual, oral, vibrator…) is often reported as the easiest way for women to reach orgasm.
-Emotional intimacy and effective communication is WAY more important in creating a satisfying sexual experience than physical features or techniques, for both women AND men.
Also, the following body conditions inhibit sexual function:
-Poor diet
-Poor exercise habits
-Poor sleep
-Chronic pain
-Autoimmune disorders–Multiple Sclerosis, Arthritis, Diabetes, etc.
-Other chronic illnesses
-Being overweight or underweight. Though being “overweight” may contribute to lower energy, reduced blood circulation, and reduced hormone production, very few people have a body shape that prevents intercourse from happening, depending on the method.
-Medications. TONS of meds have sexual side effects. Ask your doctor or just look them up.
-Pregnancy. But look out for that 3rd trimester–the increased blood flow in the pelvic region can make for intensified sexual functioning in some women.
Needless to say, imperfect sex and physiological sexual misfires are super common and normal. Don’t freak out! Please talk about it. You are under no obligation to have perfect sex.
*Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1966). Human sexual response.
Wrapping Up Part 1: The Foundation of Good Sex
Understanding the basics of how our bodies and brains work together during sex is the first step in creating a more fulfilling and enjoyable experience. It’s about learning to listen to your body, explore what feels good, and identify what might be getting in the way—whether that’s physical, emotional, or mental. We’re all human, and imperfect sex is more common than you might think, so it’s important to approach this with curiosity, patience, and a willingness to communicate.
In Part 2, we’ll dive into the emotional side of sex—how our feelings, past experiences, and insecurities shape the sexual dynamic. We’ll explore how to overcome emotional barriers that might be holding you back from truly enjoying and connecting with your partner. Stay tuned for a deeper look at how emotions influence sex, and how you can navigate those emotional hurdles for a better, more intimate connection.
