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The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year… for some people. For many people, it’s the most anxiety-inducing or depressing time of the year. The holidays can be incredibly stressful for people with countless tasks and names on their to-do and shopping lists. And they can be arduously depressing for people who already have trouble feeling happy, as if they were obligated to be happy during the holidays, so they must put on a face, or feel shame about dampening the Christmas spirit.

I’d like to talk a bit about obligation, and how it undermines the spirit of the season. Obligation is the enemy of charity–the heart of the holidays. Charity is love without conditions, given willingly and received graciously, without any strings attached. If we are trying to feel charitable and loved, why is it so hard when it should be the easiest? It’s due to the force behind obligation: Shame–that poisonous feeling of inadequacy, badness, or less-than-ness. It unfortunately runs rampant during the holidays, being evoked in people-pleasers, perfectionists, scrupulites, attention-seekers, and other people with strong insecurities. It forces people to do the holidays a certain way, nullifying the gratifying effects of charity, togetherness, and leisure time. If you feel obligated to get every person a present that sent you a Christmas card last year (gift debt), anxious to get the house perfectly decorated or clean for the family gathering, anxious to plan the perfect vacation, or anxious to perform in front of your family or in-laws, then you likely are suffering from shame.

Examine the things causing you stress this season. How many of them have a shame conditional weighing on them?:

-Get the perfect gift for everyone, or feel bad.

-Decorate well enough to get mom’s approval, or feel deflated.

-Show your in-laws that you aren’t awkward, or be an embarrassment.

-Be happy on Christmas, or be a Debbie-downer.

Something is dreadfully wrong here. Why does there have to be a “right way” to do the holidays? Why are you in such a predicament? Ideally, you would be able to:

-Have a quiet Christmas at home with your family with a few simple gifts, and it would be ok.

-Decorate your house within budget without driving you into a panic, or not decorating at all, and it would be ok.

-Talk with the people you enjoy talking to at gatherings (and passing on those you don’t), and it being ok.

-Giving gifts to those you really care about, who are also the people who would continue loving you even if you didn’t get them a gift.

Essentially, the Bob Cratchit Christmas. If you can’t shake the feeling that the holidays are racked with obligations weighted by shame, there is a reason for it. You were instilled with this feeling. As such, you can unlearn it with a bit of work, and actually enjoy the holidays.

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