Clients often report that the emotion underlying their social anxiety is the fear of being judged/critiqued/evaluated by those around them. You know this is likely not the case–your fellow patrons at the grocery store have little interest in determining your worth as a human, and the other kids at your high school are too busy worrying about what others are thinking to worry about what you’re wearing. If they are playing this ranking game in their mind, then they also have some degree of social anxiety, even if they find themselves in the top ranks. This is a game no one wants to play anyway, so these judgments should mean very little to us.
But why do we still feel this way? Babies are not born to fret about their appearance, charisma, or social status, so this feeling must come from somewhere. The feeling of shame involves a sense of being less worthy or lovable than others. It can arise from being made to feel less-than, but also from being made to feel better-than. If there seemed to be a ranking system in your family growing up, you are likely to see one everywhere you go. It makes sense that your fight/flight response would be triggered if you were conditioned to think there is an actual food chain. The following experiences in our families can inadvertently lead us to create ranking systems in our minds:
-Certain children get more praise or attention if they are more accomplished in sports, music, grades, parents’ hobbies, or make fewer mistakes.
-Children are allowed to assert dominance over other children aggressively through words or actions.
-Consequences are administered inconsistently.
-We hear parents or older siblings make judgmental or critical statements about certain people, groups, or ideologies.
-We feel judged or shamed generally.
Other natural hierarchies might not devolve into anxiety-driven ranking systems if there is a difference in power without a difference in respect or treatment (e.g., the CEO treats the janitor respectfully, like a human being, though they have different ranks). If you experience the trauma of a toxic work or school social ranking system, it helps to come home to a place where everyone feels loved equally and unconditionally.
We treat social anxiety by calling it what it is, identifying its original sources, processing the old shame, and disrupting any mechanisms that perpetuate ranking systems in the present: Are your parents still being critical? Are your friends still cliquey? Are you still making comparisons in the grocery store?
