Everyone faces challenges in their relationships with others at some point in their lives. My mom always told me couples will argue about a lot of things, but will break up over money, sex, and kids. In my time training and practicing as a couples therapist, I’ve pondered and integrated this question. Many of my clients indeed argue about a great many things, including money, sex, and kids, but have never separated because of those things. In my work I find that couples separate due to a lack of security, insight, internal awareness, and connection.
If you are in a period of distress, the following questions may support understanding of self and connection with your partner. Ask yourself:
- What values of mine are not being upheld?
- What insecurity or raw spot is impacted?
- What aspect of our argument or resolution to the argument is impacting these values and insecurities?
- How would it feel to share this all with my partner?
- How would it feel to hear my partner’s answers to this?
- Can I share where I’m coming from with my partner and listen to them?
In considering these questions, we create the space for us to look inward, deepen the connection with ourselves, and increase internal insight and awareness. Additionally, the answers we find act as waypoints for further internal exploration and processing. Sharing this with your partner and receiving your partner’s experience may act as a catalyst for shared security, understanding, and connection. Lastly, practice self compassion, recognize the challenges overcome to practice this exercise, and value the work done between you and your partner.
To learn more on your own, read Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Johnson. A delightful, engaging, easy, and humorous read written by the founder of one of the most effective therapeutic modalities in supporting couples.
See the accompanying guided practice for this article in the Practice Section of the Mindless Labs app.
