Gabor Maté’s words in The Myth of Normal stopped me in my tracks:
“We’re born with a need for attachment and a need for authenticity. Most people abandon their true selves to please others and keep the relationships, even if they are ones that are toxic and destructive.”
It hit me because, for so long, I was one of those people. I built my life around attachment—chasing relationships, approval, and validation—while slowly losing pieces of myself. I abandoned my authenticity in order to feel safe and accepted, even when that “safety” came at a cost I couldn’t fully see.
The Tug-of-War Between Authenticity and Attachment
We’re wired for connection. As children, our survival literally depends on it. But connection often comes with an unspoken rule: Be who they need you to be.
This is where the struggle begins. We learn to prioritize attachment over authenticity, not because we’re weak or flawed, but because our brains equate belonging with survival. We suppress our real emotions to avoid conflict. We mold ourselves to meet expectations that aren’t ours. We tell ourselves, “If I just stay small, agreeable, and easy to love, I’ll be okay.”
And for a while, it works. We keep the peace. We hold onto relationships, even if they’re unhealthy. We convince ourselves that the version of us we’re showing to the world is enough.
But eventually, something shifts. The weight of hiding who we truly are becomes too heavy. The relationships we fought so hard to maintain start to feel hollow because deep down, we know: They don’t really know me. I’m not even sure I know me.
Losing Yourself in the Name of Belonging
I’ve felt this in my own life—abandoning my needs, my dreams, even my values, just to hold onto relationships that were draining me. I clung to attachments that didn’t make me feel loved, just less alone. I confused connection with proximity, and I told myself that being needed was the same as being seen.
But the truth is, attachment built on self-abandonment isn’t real connection. It’s survival mode. It’s a fear of being alone that keeps us tethered to relationships that don’t honor us. And when we live this way, the cost is enormous. We lose our sense of self. We lose the ability to trust our own feelings. And perhaps worst of all, we teach ourselves that who we truly are isn’t worthy of love.
Choosing Authenticity
Here’s what I’ve learned: authenticity isn’t about walking away from every relationship that challenges you. It’s about walking toward yourself, over and over again. It’s about asking, “What is true for me?” and giving yourself permission to live in alignment with that truth.
Sometimes, this means setting boundaries. It means letting go of people who only know how to love you conditionally. It means disappointing others in order to stop disappointing yourself.
And it’s hard. It’s messy. But it’s also freeing. Because when you choose authenticity, the relationships that remain—the ones that grow with you—are the ones that truly matter.
From Attachment to True Connection
Most of us will spend our lives navigating the tension between attachment and authenticity. It’s not about choosing one over the other—it’s about finding a balance.
So if you’re in a season of feeling torn, know this: you don’t have to choose attachment at the expense of yourself. You are worthy of love for exactly who you are—not the version of you that shrinks to fit, not the version that keeps the peace.
Letting go of what asks you to abandon yourself isn’t a loss—it’s a gift. It’s the beginning of clearing space for the kind of love and connection that sees you, values you, and meets you exactly as you are.
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