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It’s no surprise that men today are not the same as they were 100 years ago—or even 50 years ago. As time has passed, so too have the ways men show up in society and relationships.

I once heard a man say, “When I was 18, I was preparing to go to war overseas. Now, all I see these young men doing is dancing on social media.” To me, that encapsulates the wide scope of what once was and what now is. But with such generational differences, we can also see how men were once healthy—both emotionally and physically—in ways that differ from today, and how they were also unhealthy in ways that many of us are now intentionally healing from.

But what does it mean to be a “safe man”? Years ago, for me, it simply meant providing physical protection and avoiding physical harm to anyone who didn’t “deserve” it. That was the extent of my understanding of being safe. So, if I yelled and screamed at my wife at the time, I still thought I was safe. If I punched a hole in the wall because I was angry, I believed I was still safe. As long as my aggression wasn’t directed at a woman or child, I thought I was doing my part.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. The psychological damage I caused through my emotional unsafety was immense. But I was simply following the patterns I had witnessed growing up.

Just last week, I was coaching one of my clients on their relationship. We’ve been working together for some time as they heal and develop new tools to rebuild harmony and connection in their marriage. She shared with me the challenges she faces as new realizations surface. Tearfully, she explained that every time her husband lashed out and yelled, it broke a piece of her heart and trust. As tears rolled down her face, I had to fight to hold back my own because I recognized her story—it used to be mine.

Like most men, I was taught that anger and aggression were staples of masculinity. This made sense in the context of a boy’s football or rugby world, but sadly, I was never taught how to regulate it. I didn’t learn when it was appropriate to use that energy, like on the field, versus when to turn it off, like at home or in public. Growing up in this environment, my rage was always just a hair-trigger away from being unleashed.

The problem with anger for many men is the shame cycle it creates. For most of us, anger builds up because we were never taught how to process or channel it in a healthy way. Eventually, it erupts, often in ways we never intended. Then shame and embarrassment follow as we realize we’ve hurt the people we love. We’re angry at ourselves for letting it happen and tell ourselves, “I should know better” or “I promised I’d never be like my father.” And so, the cycle continues.

This is just one example of how anger manifests, but the consequences are always harmful. When men display anger and rage, it instantly takes away the sense of safety for those around them, triggering trauma responses. Trust is eroded. Conversations are avoided out of fear of provoking anger. Needs go unmet, and resentment builds. Many men come to me confused about why their relationship lacks intimacy, unaware that their unregulated anger is at the root of the problem.

Some men may thrive on anger and intimidation, believing it gives them power and respect. In reality, they are the weakest of men, operating from a place of delusion. They are trying to fulfill a need for validation that was never met in childhood due to their own unaddressed trauma. These men see vulnerability as weakness, but in truth, they are hiding from their fears and burying their pain. Often, they become the very thing they despise most.

Men who lack control over their emotions are the easiest to manipulate. To create a safe and grounded presence, men must not only be aware of their emotions but also learn how to channel them in healthy ways.

It’s also important to note that anger is a natural and healthy emotion. It needs to be felt and understood. The danger arises when it manifests without awareness or control, like a dragon’s breath scorching everyone in its path.

To change this trajectory, we need to prioritize how men examine themselves and their past. Men must identify where their behaviors stem from and recognize the damage caused by unmanaged emotions.

One of the most effective ways for men to heal is to allow themselves to be seen by other men. When men realize they are not alone in their anger, sorrow, and confusion, the shame begins to dissipate. This opens the door to healthier tools and behaviors. But until a man finds the courage to seek support, the story of being “alone on an island” will persist.

Currently, the suicide rate for men exceeds 80%. We aren’t just losing men to suicide—we’re being decimated. Men will invest in new clothes, golf clubs, vacations, cars, or crypto, but when it comes to their mental and emotional health, the topic remains taboo.

If we aspire to be successful in our paths and within our families, we must find that same ambition to heal the wounds within us. The wounds of feeling misunderstood, unseen, and angry. Only then can we operate with greater capacity, compassion, and understanding—not just for those around us, but for ourselves, as men.

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