Hi. Historically, I am very bad at self love. I have a confident and outgoing demeanor, but have struggled to feel like I have a good relationship with myself and enjoy my own company. I have had a running list of reasons I don’t like my body and the elusive criteria that would need to be met for me to be satisfied. I have history with some BIG imposter syndrome and a long relationship with shame-driven goal setting and covertly toxic vision boards.
Even when I try to tell myself the sweet affirmations that the perfectly put-together self-help gurus tell me to say, I make it sour. The convo in my head sounds like this:
ME: “You are beautiful just the way you are”
Inner Critic: “Says the Hippo in the mirror…”
ME: “You are worth it.”
Inner Critic: “But nobody cares…”
ME: “What I have to give is good enough.
Inner Critic: “But way less than what I should be giving.”
These kinds of things genuinely work for lots of people. But if you’re like me and feel like you’ve consistently tried and failed to get where you want to be (in loving, admiring relationship to self) with these cognitive interventions then read on because I have a few thoughts.
Can we pleeeease just start by acknowledging that you weren’t born hating yourself? There is nothing innate to the human brain that causes us to spontaneously believe thighs should or shouldn’t have a gap or that crying is or isn’t weak or any other thing you dislike about yourself. Before you were able to decide things for yourself your survival depended on your infant brain being good at absorbing gazillions of tiny cues from your tribe and adapting in those ways that would make you socially palatable. But I’m guessing you’ve already heard that lecture. The point: we absorbed the “I’m not enough” belief. This can happen subtly or overtly. If you live with this core belief, then the certain experiences, no matter how subtle, that brought you to it, fit the definition of trauma. And I. Will. Fight you on this point.
What I’m saying is IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. I believe you are doing the best you can. And, assuming you’d prefer to love and not hate yourself, your negative self image and inability to appreciate your literal AWEsomeness is not an active choice.
“Yeah, but I could choose to exercise more consistently which would lift my mood; and wash my face more which would clear my acne and 8 hours of sleep would…” STAHP THAT!!
Right now.
STOP IT.
….Yes, there are more boxes you could be checking off every day that research suggests would likely help you feel better about yourself. And that doesn’t make you responsible for how you’ve been hurt. I choose to believe that when people really feel okay in their core they will naturally seek out those self-improvement behaviors, no shame or pump-up music necessary (though “Eye of the Tiger” never hurts). Growth is a drive I believe exists in all humans.
I am not telling you “atomic habits” and affirmations won’t work! So, YES, please go do those things right now! (Were you really just waiting for me to say that?) If you have it in you to set those habits in motion, that’s wonderful! If you don’t, can we just try to meet you where you’re at?
For me it sometimes looks like this:
Thoughts:
“Gosh, I freaking hate how my boobs look when I lay on my back. It’s like they disappear but worse because loose skin from nursing and weight loss and just… bleh. They don’t look right.”
*Annoyed sigh* “Wait. I know I’m not supposed to talk to myself like that. Let’s try a corrective thought: My breasts nursed my lovely babies. They are not just objects of desire designed to—”
“UGH! No. It’s not working. That just sounds so phony right now. It’s absolutely NOT what I’m feeling.”
*Deep breath*
“I don’t want to shut down any part of me right now so…. I think I will just begin to notice what’s here:
Disappointment
Disgust
Fear
‘That’s just not good enough’
Defensiveness
‘I AM good enough!’
Anger
‘Don’t talk to Kaprena like that!’
Sadness
Small
‘I’m a therapist. How can I STILL be fighting myself like this. Don’t I know better?’
Defeat
“Okay. Wow. That’s a lot going on. I don’t have to change it all right now. I’m at least thankful I know what my internal parts are saying right now. Because they matter to me and I can’t help it if I don’t listen first.”
Then I take aaaaaaall of this to therapy, or my sister, or my husband so they can sit in it with me. And as I sit in it it’s not so scary. And the next time it comes up it’s not as heavy and I know what to do with it (yep, rinse and repeat). The compassion and healing activated in this process has been revolutionary for me! I have found that at my core, my nature ACTUALLY IS to love myself. And that blows me away. I have needed intense therapy to help in this process because, for the longest time, I didn’t have any tolerance for the noticing and the “sitting in it.” But now I find that connecting to self love when it slips away from me is just a matter of pausing, listening, and allowing what is stuck to become unstuck inside of me and move through.
If this resonates with you, I hope you try it. Just pause, listen, witness your parts, and if that’s too intense or scary right now, get your safe people in on it. Their existing love for you will bolster your bravery to hold the space.
I hope you find what you’re after! Recognition of your brilliant spark, the unique flavor that only you will ever be. The love you were born deserving.
Love,
Kaprena
