Do you know a person who says “sorry” about everything?
Are you that person?
Over-apologizing is often overlooked as a symptom of anxiety because it is seen as considerate; over-apologizers are “excessively kind” or respectful, so society doesn’t challenge their behavior.
However, over-apologizing can be problematic in several ways. The first is that it indicates insecurity and anxiety, which are probably affecting this person in other ways, for which they may need help. These people say sorry about every little thing as if they have offended someone, and are seeking to mitigate sadness or anger as quickly as possible. What are they afraid of? Well… sadness or anger; or the fact that they caused sadness or anger. And why would someone be afraid of these things? These are some reasons:
-Sadness and anger are expressions of pain. If I caused you pain, you might physically hurt me, guilt-trip me, shame me, or even worse, abandon me. I would only become afraid of these consequences if I had witnessed or experienced them before and not effectively processed them.
-If I caused you pain, I might feel shame as I blame myself for it. This feeling is inappropriate because people are not responsible for others’ feelings. Healthy guilt or grief might be appropriate, but not the feeling of being BAD. People develop shame-inducing responsibility for others’ feelings when they experience conditional love, manipulation, parentification, or are unable to process feelings about their parents’ emotions.
-If I caused you pain, your opinion of me could diminish. If I have a low self-esteem and few or unstable sources of validation, then your opinion of me means a LOT, and losing your good opinion would be devastating.
-If I already feel worthless, like my mere existence is an inconvenience or burden to those around me, then upsetting you confirms that. It’s not just that I’ve upset you–I must apologize for my own burdensome existence.
The second issue is that over-apologizing can induce insecurity in others. If children witness an adult apologizing for non-offensive things, they may become anxious about the non-offensive things they do for fear that they are offensive, and begin over-apologizing.
The third issue is that it can be annoying, which increases the chances of people actually distancing themselves. Over-apologizing can be aggravating because it falls into the category of invalidation, which is the failure to recognize and validate one’s feelings. When someone expresses their guilt or sorrow for something that did not hurt you or make you sad, they are failing to recognize how you really feel, which is not hurt or sad. You feel misunderstood if someone is treating you like you have been offended, which gets old after a while. You might also feel annoyed that this person isn’t letting you take responsibility for your own feelings, letting you confront when you actually feel offended.
So, what can be done about this?
If you are an over-apologizer, start noticing the situations where you do it more often. What people or situations induce more apologies? Think about what you are feeling when you do it, and why you feel that way. Is it the present scenario itself making you feel insecure, or are past experiences informing the present? Try facing the feeling, rather than compulsively apologizing as a way to avoid it.
If you are closely acquainted with an over-apologizer, stop accepting their apologies. Saying things like “It’s ok” or “No worries” may enable the behavior, endorsing that you actually felt offended and are accepting the apology as appropriate. Don’t tell someone that they don’t need to apologize, because this invalidates the anxiety they are feeling. They feel like they need to apologize, and arguing with feelings doesn’t help. You might start by kindly saying, “I don’t accept the apology,” then continuing to be calm and loving with the person. This will allow them to have the anxious feeling without perpetuating the idea that you are offended, or that they are unsafe if they make you upset. Let them know that you love them and will not hurt them even if they did make you upset.
Then, if you are feeling up to it, have a conversation with them about their habit, helping them build insight into why they do it. They may find it is unresolved trauma, or you may find you are doing something that makes them feel threatened (which you may decide to change). You can let them know that you would like autonomy over your own feelings, and would like them to treat you according to your feelings (which might be not offended). Maybe you’ll share this article with them?
