I wrote this the week after Halloween, and you know what that means… Christmas music–whether you like it or not. But generally, we start to feel that “The Holidays” are upon us, and whatever that implies.
I talk a lot about how “depression” is a natural adaptation to certain kinds and quantities of stress–things that create a feeling of helplessness, usually that are overwhelming or inescapable. Our body functions depress, diverting energy from non-urgent things to basic functions. Many mammals in cold regions depress because efforts to gather food in cold dark conditions would be less productive than shutting everything down and just waiting for the snow to melt. They are happy to eat up then wait it out.
Humans are mammals, and have the same tendency to depress during the dark months. I’ve felt it in my bones these past few weeks. The sleepiness. The desire to cuddle up in a warm blanket and veg out on Hallmarks. The urge to stock up on precious calories from delicious sources. I actually kind of enjoy the sensation (try googling “hygge”). But there’s a sinister side to depression that doesn’t come from biology. The painful part of this is SHAME, which can come in stronger doses in the holiday season from several sources.
The first is shame about the depressive function itself. Modern society persecutes those who are slow and unproductive. Many of our bodies will feel the urge to depress, which may spike a culturally-formed anxiety about being tired and unproductive. The conflict of these two feelings can be quite painful.
The second, compounded by our body’s desire to rest, is the weight of EXPECTATIONS. So many people act as if the holidays are supposed to go a certain way, as if they were getting graded on their gifts, or parties, or decorations, or interactions with in-laws and extended family. That is SO much pressure! Wouldn’t it be nice if you could actually relaxduring the holidays?
Christmas, which is supposed to be about CHARITY (a force of unconditional love), becomes a market of GIFT DEBTS, where people stress about whether they are showing enough love to enough people to be considered “good enough.” And,they feel resentful if they don’t get enough love in the form of stuff in exchange for their expressions of love in the form of stuff.
Third, if you suffer from chronic loneliness, the shame can be exacerbated by the message that the holidays are all about togetherness, making you feel that there is something wrong with you if you’re alone.
And of course, the shame of gaining weight, much of which comes from the hibernation instinct, but also just from the stress-eating of those delicious treats that people hopefully didn’t give you because they’d feel guilty if they didn’t. We address this not necessarily by losing weight, but by learning to stop shaming or valuing certain body types (stay tuned for that post!).
How can we stop the MADNESS? Well, it starts with sitting with the belief that it is ok to be a mammal, and ok to do the holidays however you want, not how others expect you to do them.
Next is recognizing that this anxiety came from somewhere. It makes sense that we would freak out about the holidays because we learned to from actual experiences. And if this anxiety was instilled in us from specific people, recognizing they got it from somewhere as well. There is no one to blame, and compassion for ourselves and others is the only way out of this. Sitting with our emotions (perhaps that horrible holiday restlessness) will help us identify what is behind them, and help us process them to get to a place where we would feel comfortable moving through the holidays as healthily and authentically as possible.
As far as our bodily instinct to depress, I suggest we lean into it as much as is reasonably possible. When we fight natural body processes, we get side effects. But, if modern life demands our bodies act like it’s summer time, use your bright lights, turn up the heat, increase exercise and social contact, and replace holiday hibernation foods with nutrient-rich options. Warm-weather stimuli can provide some temporary help.
Loneliness requires its own discussion space, but I’ll just say it can only be cured by loving contact. If there is really no one you feel safe reaching out to, then you might need to start with the mirror or your journal. You may give yourself enough validation to take the next step to talking to someone who can help you feel safe and known.