So, after careful consideration (and maybe after looking through the previous article on When to Walk Away), you’ve determined it is time to end the relationship. Knowing how to break up can be incredibly difficult, and you’ve likely felt a lot of pain in the process. Helping people navigate breakups is one of the saddest parts of a relational therapist’s job, but ending a relationship is sometimes a necessary and healthy decision. The following are some considerations for yourself and your partner as you follow through on how to break up in a way that preserves both of your dignity.
What Needs Do You Have?
People enter relationships to fulfill some need or want: emotional or physical intimacy, validation, loneliness, financial needs, children, etc. If you don’t have another source for the essential needs, then it will be very difficult to pull the trigger on a breakup. For example, if you don’t feel emotionally stable when not in a romantic relationship, then you will anxiously attach to the next thing that comes along—if you can even bring yourself to let go of this one. If you don’t have any of your own close friends or family to fulfill social needs, then the breakup will leave you isolated. If you can’t meet the basic needs of food, water, or shelter without this person, then breaking up leaves you destitute.
Before you finalize how to break up, make sure that whatever you’re getting from your partner can be replaced sufficiently by other sources that you already have. If not, you may need to establish those sources first (by attending individual therapy, reconciling with friends and family, gaining education/job skills, etc.).
What Beliefs Do You Have?
Do relationships have deeper meaning for you beyond just meeting needs? How does breaking up or divorce play into that? What commitments have you made, and what do those mean to you? This would be a great time to examine reasons why you would stay with this person beyond what they provide for you.
It is not my job to hold you to these commitments, but I do suggest examining your beliefs about them to determine if they are the same as when they were made, and what meaning they hold for you now. One of the big things that can prevent an otherwise healthy breakup is internal conflict. If you are feeling torn (which you probably are if you’re reading about how to break up), start by recognizing that your conflicting feelings are arising for valid reasons. Therapy models like Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help with that process.
How to Break Up the Right Way
Many factors might determine specifically how you break up with someone—whether over text, a letter, ghosting, or doing it gradually or suddenly—but I want to start by saying this: I will not judge you for how you do it. Your story is yours, and you have your reasons.
That said, I do suggest that you break up in a way that seeks to preserve both your and their dignity. This means without aggression, criticism, or spite, as these ultimately just hurt everyone, including yourself. If you do ghost or ignore them, I hope it is because you truly expect them to do or say something abusive if you were to communicate the breakup directly. But again, no judgment if not.
If you are determined to break up but are vulnerable to coercion or persuasion, I suggest talking to other people about it beforehand and having safeguards in place that will keep you from losing your resolve or getting pulled into an argument. Maybe you invite friends to sit with you while you call the person, or plan to have a safe place to process your emotions afterward. How to break up isn’t just about ending things—it’s about ensuring you can move forward in a way that supports your emotional well-being.
Recognize Conflicting Feelings in Breakups
Obviously, there was something about this person that you wanted, and perhaps had, but have either lost or found wasn’t worth the cost. Maybe he was super attractive but too unstable. Maybe she was always kind and loving but suppressed her other feelings.
Whether before or after the actual breakup, it is normal and healthy to grieve the parts of the relationship that you appreciated. These are things you may want in future relationships, so it’s okay to give them the attention they deserve. Recognizing all the feelings around a breakup—good and bad—helps you move forward without suppressing emotionsor repeating unhealthy patterns.
What If I Can’t Break Up?
Sometimes, despite knowing the relationship is empty or toxic, breaking up isn’t viable due to kids, financial dependence, disabilities, or other factors. In this case, you may not be looking for how to break up, but rather how to detach while still remaining in the relationship. The thoughts in the article Detaching from Relationships may prove helpful in that scenario.
It’s Up to You
Many people fear hurting their partner’s feelings by being the one to initiate a breakup. And, especially when contemplating divorce, they are afraid of evoking intense pain and stress for multiple people, making the initiator feel like the “Bad Guy.” These are valid feelings, and they must be sat with and processed like any others.
That said, if you want to break up, I do not advise waiting for the other person to pull the trigger—and especially don’t advise behaving in a way that makes them want to. How to break up in a healthy way is not about passive-aggressively forcing the other person to leave—it’s about making a decision, communicating it clearly, and moving forward with self-respect.
Breakups Rarely Happen in Isolation
You may have found that how to break up isn’t just about you and your partner—it involves other people too. You need support. You need validation. You need safe spaces to work through your emotions and internal conflicts.
Effective breakups rarely happen in isolation, so the first step may just be to reach out to your safe people and ask them to listen to you without judgment. The rest may follow after.
