A Therapist’s Guide
A common question presented in therapy, and that I imagine most people face, is when to end a relationship. As a therapist, I try not to tell people what to do or not do regarding relationship status, but I may pose certain questions or provide education to help people make those decisions deliberately and according to their core values. The following thoughts may help you gain clarity as you decide whether to stay in certain relationships.
What Doesn’t Have to Be a Dealbreaker?
First, I want to identify a few things that don’t necessarily mean you need to end a relationship, but sometimes do if people don’t take the time to explore them deeper.
The ICK
Though this term has many definitions in the Urban Dictionary, here it refers to a rapid decline in interest, or spike in aversion, of a potential partner due to trivial or unknown reasons (e.g., not asking her out again after seeing her leg hair, or after hearing his unique laugh).
For us, the ICK refers to something inside YOU that needs to be explored deeper to determine its relevance. You may find with some good reflection that the trait doesn’t actually bother you, or that it relates to a deeper personal issue that you can work on (maybe your fear of this partner not impressing your judgmental mother?). Or, it could be something easily resolved with a quick conversation (“I actually don’t like open-mouth kisses very much. Could we slow down with that?”).
Or, you might find that your aversion matches a real incompatibility (“He was awful to the waitress to her face and super critical afterward”). Either way, talking about and putting words to the source of the feelings will help you feel more confident in deciding to keep at it or call it quits.
Differences in Beliefs
Whether religious, political, cultural, or moral, just having a difference in beliefs does not need to result in the end of a relationship. It depends on whether you can show respect for your partner anyway, by refraining from criticizing them for their views.
This doesn’t mean you don’t exchange ideas—it just means you do so in a way that acknowledges the full context of their beliefs. If you can respect your differences without judging your partner as inferior, then the relationship can still thrive.
Differences in Interests
My wife, Kaprena, had never seen The Lord of The Rings before we met and still hasn’t. I had the map of Middle Earth memorized by age 4. Though this interest is deeply important to me, as well as many other things Kaprena has no knowledge of or interest in, it does not mean we are incompatible.
The important thing is that we are interested in each other and in ourselves. This means that we focus on the things that everyone has in common: thoughts, feelings, and relationships. These are the most interesting things anyway. So, we continue to relate and love each other, even if we can never pick a movie and she never laughs at the memes I like.
Factors That Can Make a Relationship Difficult but Not Impossible
Next, I’d like to discuss some factors that increase the chances of a relationship struggling, but with the right mindset and resources, don’t always mean it’s time to end a relationship.
Trauma & Baggage
You might know that this person has had a traumatic childhood, has had a history of poor relationships, or maybe even a criminal record. These things correlate with continued poor relationships, but they don’t necessarily predict them.
Some questions to consider:
- How do they view their past baggage?
- Do they pretend it isn’t there?
- Do they resent their past and refuse to talk about it?
- Or do they seek to come to terms with it, learn from it, and share it?
If this person is in a place to work on themselves without avoidance, then you might allow the relationship to progress steadily and cautiously if there are other traits you are attracted to.
Addiction & Mental Illness
Just about everyone could be diagnosed with something these days. Mental health struggles are often linked to past trauma, and addiction can be a factor in many relationships. But we have to ask:
- Can you handle the symptom level and type?
- Is there a plan to address the issue that both partners feel good about?
- Are there observable actions being taken to follow the plan?
If we aren’t working on ourselves, we are regressing. If one or both partners are unwilling to acknowledge or address their challenges, it could be a sign that it’s time to reassess the relationship.
When to End a Relationship: Key Questions to Ask
A common question I ask clients in couples therapy is, “If you were single, would you ask your partner out?”
It is often said that we “choose our partner every day.” If you find that you would not have chosen your partner consistently over a long period of time, that’s a strong sign the relationship is in question.
If you’re repeatedly asking yourself when to end a relationship, this self-reflection can be a powerful tool in making a confident decision. Depending on your beliefs about commitment and other factors involved (children, assets, etc.), you may decide to wait it out and work on yourself first.
Improving your own health, habits, and skills does not force, but does incentivize growth in your partner. However, after a period of self-improvement, if there is insufficient change in your partner, you might decide to step out of the relationship.
When Ending the Relationship Is Likely the Best Choice
Some situations make it very difficult for a relationship to succeed. These include:
Abuse
Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse destroys relational closeness. It is impossible to feel truly safe or loved while abuse is a possibility.
If there is no indication that the abuse will stop imminently, the outlook for the relationship is very poor.
Apathy
Two people angry at each other, by definition, still care about each other. But if one partner fails to communicate that they care about what the other thinks, feels, or does, it’s a true sign of a dead relationship.
Apathy leads to:
- Lack of communication that could resolve relationship issues.
- A refusal to invest time or energy into improving the relationship.
- One partner waiting for the other to end it because they no longer care enough to do it themselves.
Though it’s possible to recover from apparent apathy, it still requires some investment from both partners. But if one person is completely checked out, the burden of leaving often falls on the one who still cares.
Final Thoughts on Ending a Relationship
There’s much more to say, and many factors to consider in these important decisions, but hopefully these ideas will prompt your thinking as you evaluate when to end a relationship.
It takes a village to raise a couple, so please reach out to your trusted, non-judgmental people to listen and give feedback. If you don’t have those right now, maybe a professional can help.
